Transcripts: Friendships
Sandra
Hi, everyone. How are you? This is Sandra coming to you from Sista Girlfriend. I am the host and today we have a guest host, Cailin Stollar, my daughter.
Cailin
Hello, everyone. I’m Cailin.
Sandra
Hi,
Cailin
Hi Mom.
Sandra
Hi Baby.
Sandra
OK, so this is our first podcast, and we are here to talk about everything except politics. Well, maybe we’re gonna try to keep the politics out of it. And what this podcast is, it’s about real life, real people. Did I say that right?right?
Cailin
Yeah.
Sandra
Okay.
Sandra
We’ll talk for real people.
Sandra
We’re just here to tell you that you’re not alone with your thoughts on how you’re thinking. We’re gonna just about everything, what it means to be you, um, interactions between you and other people. Just say US in general. All right. Um, why am I doing this? I want to give back the knowledge that I’ve gained over the years, and if my talk can help somebody else that’s great. That’s why we are here. So I would like to introduce myself again. My name is Sandra, and I’ll be talking to you about life. I am a mother, a wife, an entrepreneur, a sister, a woman, and a friend. And most importantly, I’m an individual, and I want to share my wisdom of my life journey with you. Cailin, do you wanna say what you want to say?
Cailin
My list is not as impressive. Not nearly as lengthy. Hi, I’m Cailin. Um, I am a daughter and a student, and that is about all. I guess you could add athlete to the list maybe.
Sandra
You are about a young woman, so that’s cool.
Cailin
I’m a child.
Sandra
You are not a child. You’re a young woman. So that’s cool. There is a difference between a child. There are different stages with development. And you are a young adult in college.
Cailin
Oh, no. Scary.
Sandra
Yeah. So you’re good. You’re good. Okay. Well, today our first episode, we’re gonna talk about, um, being friends. Oh, Before we get into that, I just want to tell you what we are going to be talking about. Everything. Some of the things we’re gonna talk about It’s friendship. Platonic friendship. Girlfriend friendship. Romantic friendship, Mother-daughter.
Cailin
Familial friendships.
Sandra
Yes, mother-daughter friendship and just friends in general. Right? Friends and relationships. Um, we’re also going to you talk about life, family, aging because, yes, I am aging. We’re all aging.
Cailin
You never.
Sandra
Thank you, Honey. We’re gonna talk about, um, all kinds of things. You know, all the journeys that we’ve taken through our lives. You know, kids. We didn’t talk about what it’s like to, you know, nurture and develop your young person into an individual. And the fact that we …how to let your young individual become an independent adult, we want to hold on so tightly to our children. But, is it healthy and natural to do that, or is it healthier to let go? We’ll talk as well about, um, the sandwich generation. What that is is I’m a sandwich generation. I know you haven’t heard this
Cailin
I’ve never heard of this before in my life.
Sandra
Ok, The sandwich generation is, um, I’m a mom. I also have a mother, and I have a daughter, and I have to take care of my mom as she gets older. And I also still have to nurture my daughter as she gets older. So I’m in between both generations. So that’s why we call it the sandwich generation. Learning how to balance that balance you balance, you know, your aging parents and then balance your child and, you know, trying to figure out life in between all that. Okay, um, but today I’m going to just tone it down and bring you back to center and talk about, ah, friendships and relationships. Okay, so, what is a friend? Well, the dictionary’s definition is the relationship between what? What is to say? It says, um, that categorizes you as friends relationship. What does that? What does that mean? It doesn’t really state what it means, does it ?
Cailin
It doesn’t exactly have the definition of friends, does it? No.
Sandra
It’s like definition is between friends. Okay, The emotional state of being friends . What the hell. Okay, but what exactly does it mean? All right. Um, do we categorize your friendship? Um, and if so, how do you categorize your friendships and your friends And, you know, you mingle with friends. My concept of friends might be different than yours, but I feel that friends played different roles in our lives. And, what I mean by that is you have your friends that you could laugh with and you have your friends that you share your deepest secrets with. It could be the same people. And then again, it might not be, right? And then you have your work friends where, you know you have to keep it professional. But you also, you know, want that ally, right? And then you have, like, we all have different hats. We wear different hats in our personalities. It’s the same thing with your friends.
Cailin
Yeah, well, I mean, it also depends on the individual. I mean, you and I mean, we’re similar to some extent, or my father and I we’re actually quite similar. But we all have different definitions of friends, and I know that some of the friends that I have and how I, as you phrase it, categorize them. You would not consider them friends, or you would not categorize them in the same way you wouldn’t trust them with the same things. Um, so everything that we’re saying, well, we are talking about friendship. It’s different for everyone, and it’s very important to keep that in mind. This is just to help you, you know? Think about it yourself. And think about how you want to think of your friends. Categorize your friends if you don’t want to categorize them. These are just all ways for you to be intentional about the friends you have.
Sandra
I don’t mean to say the word categorize and make it feel it sounds so cold, you know.
Cailin
Friendship is cold.
Sandra
Yeah, and so formal. But what I mean by that it’s like, you know, Yeah, we do put our friends in different categories. We do put him in pockets, you know, because like, sometimes you’re like, yeah, I want to hang out with this friend. I have such a great time with a friend. But you don’t want to share your deepest secret with that person because that person might tell a lot of other people.
Cailin
Yeah.
Sandra
Or you might feel, you know, this person is great to go to the movies with or, you know? But then they’re very critical of you. And you don’t want that because it stresses you right? Which leaves me into other parts of friendship. So for me, what friendship is is someone that I could connect with emotionally, um, someone that I could trust and someone that I could tell almost anything to.
Cailin
It’s funny that you say that. My definition of friend, it’s so much more broad and vague than that. My definition of someone I can spend time with. If I can’t spend time with you, then I can’t stand you. And you’re not my friend. I don’t have to have an emotional connection with that person. I just have to be able to, usually for me. I just have to have fun with them and that could that having fun with them could eventually lead to having a more emotional, deep connection. But if not, then oh, well, you know, they’re still friends.
Sandra
Maybe it’s also generational, as well, because also, I think friends, you need to be able to laugh and cry with, right? That’s connecting emotionally, right? If you can’t let go in front of your friend like break down sometimes and like Ah, I’m having a rotten day, you know, and don’t feel judged then to me, that’s not a friend.
Cailin
Oh, you have different friends for different reasons, like you were saying earlier like you don’t have to have. You don’t have to. Not every single one of your friends, I think, has to be some deep emotional connection where, like you feel the most comfortable with them at all times, like you can cry like they’re. I can count on one hand probably the number of people that I can really cry to you and tell my deepest, darkest secrets, too. That doesn’t mean I only have a small handful friends.
Cailin
Sandra
No, no, no there are different types of friends. You have have friends for different reasons. But because we’re humans, we are social creatures. And we need that in order to be emotionally stable. We need other people in our lives to help balance that. Because it’s a lonely space inside that head, you know, and you create psychosis. If you just sit there and not, you know, have someone else to share with. And then not all friendships are great. You know, not all relationships are good for you. You have to learn when these relationships are not good and most of us we don’t realize it until sometimes it’s too late. Like, for example, toxic relationships. Why is it toxic? Why do we hold onto these relationships? And for me, toxic relationships are people who cause you great distress. When you’re thinking about you’re gonna be seeing this person and you’re dreading seeing this friend because they’re going to criticize you. They’re gonna cause you like great distress. And it’s gonna be an emotional strain and also somebody who’s also always dumping on you and not giving you that opportunity to vent or be you. And every time you see them, they’re making you feel uncomfortable to me. To me that’s toxic. Do you agree?
Cailin
Yeah, I mean I also, I’m coming from. OK, I guess in my introduction I did not exactly explain that I am pre-med and I am a woman of STEM, or woman in STEM, I guess. Not really but kind of.
Sandra
Explain what STEM is.
Cailin
Oh, sorry. So STEM would be Science, Technology, Engineering and Math. So because I am pre-med I am very interested in biology and chemistry. So the way I would kind of go about dealing with friendships is in a biological sort of way, as nerdy as that might sound. In biology there are a bunch of different types of relationships between organisms. You know, like there is the positive-positive, negative-negative, positive-negative. One party is not receiving anything and it’s negative for another. Or one party is not being affected whatsoever and it’s positive for the other party. So, I think of it in very biological terms. And, if the relationship is what is called parasitic, meaning that one party is benefiting and the other party is being harmed or if it’s, I think it’s called amensalism or something. I don’t remember.
Sandra
That’s so technical.
Cailin
It’s so technical. But basically my point is, long story short, if it’s not a positive-positive relationship I guess that would be under consumer resource. It doesn’t really matter. But if both parties are not gaining something then it’s not…
Sandra
RIght, if one person is making you feel worse and not uplifting you and always dumping on you then it’s not equal balance
Cailin
Yeah, I would even argue that like even if like if you’re not getting anything from it. But if you’re also not hurting from it, then it’s not toxic. Like if the other person is benefiting from your friendship or whatever relationship you have and you are not benefiting. I think that’s fine as long as it’s not harmful.
Sandra
True to some extent, yes, because you know what with human beings relationship. I think, um, we all use each other for one reason or another or in one way or another and that’s natural. And that’s normal when you meet someone and you want to talk to them, whatever they’re fulfilling, a kind of need in you that you want or need. And then, when you are, when they start feeding back to you they’re fulfilling a need. And sometimes these needs become a little overwhelming, you know, in one aspect, and it’s not balanced and when it’s not balanced, then it becomes toxic right.
Cailin
Yeah.
Sandra
And with that toxic relationship, it becomes unhealthy, not only emotionally, but it could also be physically unhealthy, you know, because then it becomes a strain on, um, people. That’s when you need to exit the relationship and you know, I’ll give you an example of a toxic relationship, at least for me. Um, when you’re with someone and they’re always putting themselves first and you know something bad happens to you and you want to share, um, they don’t want to share and they’re always being negative about you or about the relationship. And then it causes you distress or like you’re always afraid to say what’s on your mind because you know you’re gonna be criticized or, um, the relationship is just going on too long and you feel distressed in a relationship when you feel like you can’t get out. And you feel like your back is against the corner, all right to me, that’s toxic and. Um, I would say Run, you know, and it doesn’t have to be. I mean, it’s It’s within anything, you know, even if it’s family. You know, sometimes family harm each other, and they have no clue that they’re harming each other. But if you’re feeling that distress when you’re with someone, that’s not a good feeling. And that’s not a good relationship. Regardless, if it’s family, friends or whomever.
Cailin
um, I am like one. Um, I guess I can give a specific example instead of more general of, um, a toxic relationship I was in is in high school one of my again quote, unquote best friends. Neither of us liked each other, and it was very obvious for everyone except for the two of us. We, it’s like, safe to say that like we hated each other we couldn’t stand being around each other. Yet, we spent so much time together. We spent day and night 24/7 with each other, and that was just a very just wasn’t fun for anybody. And it got really competitive and we would say things that would like just for the sake of hurting each other. Although I like to think that I’m a good person. So I like to think that I would never say something just for the sake of hurting another. But yeah, it was, it was a really not great relationship and eventually we because, like, it didn’t start that way. It started out we were friends. We were good friends. But then we both acknowledged that we were very mean to each other and that it was just a very not good relationship. So we took some time apart and then after about a year of not seeing each other, mainly because I went off to college and she was not at the same school as I was, um, once we came back together, we realized that like Oh, we actually do really care for each other. We just can’t spend 24/ 7 with each other just totally fine. Like you don’t. I have to spend time like, but you don’t have to spend every breathing moment with your friends.
Sandra
Give yourself time a minute to regroup.
Cailin
Yeah, And like And also just spending so much time with one person gets so boring. I think I just like to extend your time with other people maybe it’s just me.
Sandra
Like I said it could be generational, too, at least boring parts because I treasure a good friend that I could go out with and have a good laugh.
Cailin
Oh, that sounds so bad on my part, no I treasure my friends. Don’t get me wrong, but, like, I mean eventually you run out of things to say to somebody even like my closest friends.
Sandra
Well, sometimes you don’t have to say anything in a friendship, you know, they get you. Sometimes you just have to like, you know, just be in the space with people and they make you feel good.
Cailin
I like noise. I really like talking. I like all of that. So if we’re not talking then I need…
Sandra
Oh, for me? No, I like sometimes I like it. Like when you’re going to a move. Or you’re watching a movie, you’re not gonna be talking.
Cailin
It’s different. You have background noise, you have something to do
Sandra
Or just sitting with someone
Cailin
Oh, I can’t
Sandra
And just watch people watching and then like, making fun of that because we all do.
Cailin
Yeah,
Sandra
As long as you’re not.You’re not doing it to like harm anybody, and they don’t hear your ridiculous comments. I think that’s good.
Sandra
So, um, what I want to also say is that it is okay to let some friendships go. Um, you know, even like you just said, Cailin, that you took a break, but what forced you to take a break with the fact that you were moving on and into a different space in your life? You know, physical space. But if you don’t have that choice to move on to college and move on to, you know, wherever and you still didn’t see this person, you have to make that decision to slow it down and take it to another level and try to move on. And what I mean by that is I feel that take it slow. Stop and think. It’s gonna be hard, but you have to do the hard work, and the hard work is for you. And what I mean is you’re gonna have to say to yourself, Okay, it’s painful or it’s toxic and everybody else around me sees this, but I’m not doing anything about it. So my suggestion is, you know, just slowly when this person calls you, you know, maybe avoid a phone call. If that’s if you can’t be honest with the person and say, Listen, might my first step is being honest, right? My first step, it’s like, Okay, I’m feeling distressed. I’m not comfortable with our relationship. But not everybody could do that or say that.
Cailin
I’m one of those people who can’t do that. I hate confrontation.
Sandra
Well, it’s not a confrontation and friends…
Cailin
It’s exactly a confrontation.
Sandra
Okay, well, then you know what? Another. That’s true, too, because I’ve had friends where their personalities were so overwhelming that I really couldn’t say anything. And if I did, they took it the wrong way. So.
Cailin
No, anytime. The definition of confrontation is just like any time that you’re mentioning a problem to somebody, and that, in this case, would be that you don’t want to be their friend anymore, which is tough, especially for somebody who likes to be friends with everyone, AKA me.
Sandra
You know it’s true because I don’t like hurting people’s feelings. And…
Cailin
You’re not afraid to tell people how you feel. I, on the other hand, I can’t.
Sandra
Not all the time, it’s true because I have a friend of mine or had a friend of mine that we don’t see politically eye to eye, and every time we talk about political things, that’s why I said everything except politics. We get into this heated conversation and we are friends, but I think that, or used to be friends. She used me for her purposes and I let her use me for her purposes because it was okay with me at the time. But I don’t see a purpose for her in my life, so she doesn’t get it when I avoid or I talk to her about certain things and, you know, she’s very judgmental. So what I’ve decided to do is step back a little bit when she invites me to things I don’t go or I’m busy or I say, you know what? Not now, hoping that she’d get the hint and she hasn’t. So I just keep pulling back and everything. I isolate myself on social media from her. Um, because I know that it might be a confrontational issue if we do talk about it. So I just pull back and pull back and pull back until I’m done. And I have stayed in my views on what I think and how I’m like, Well, our views no longer align, you know, our kids have grown, you used me for the time being for our kids, but it’s okay because I’ve allowed that. But I don’t see that we have anything else in common and she gossips and spreads rumors, and I’m like, I’m just done. I’m grown. I don’t need that. That’s what children do. And, um, yeah, I think what I mean by children, you could be 50 60 years old, and if you spread gossip you’re a child mentally,
Cailin
Everyone gossips.
Sandra
Yeah, but you don’t gossip to you about your friends. That’s not cool. That is not cool. If it’s gonna be harmful to someone, you say things that are harmful,
Cailin
No, no, no, that’s different.
Sandra
That’s toxic.
Cailin
That’s different.
Sandra
Yeah, that’s toxic and that’s not okay, right? So we don’t want that. So you, you know, isolate yourself from people like that. Because, like, I said, this friend of mine, she’d pretend to be friends with other people, and then she’d try and tell me things, and I don’t want to get involved because I don’t want to hear. I’ve said, you know, when I didn’t. Um, we’re gonna talk about, you know, romantic relationships.
Cailin
I’m overjoyed.
Sandra
When a relationship kind of goes sour, you’re gonna have to know. You have to stay relevant. You have to stay mentally alert in your relationship. Don’t take people for granted. I’ve taken people for granted. They have taken me for granted. And that’s also because I didn’t have a voice. I did not know how to tell the person in my life that I was unhappy. So I just sat there and, like, suck it up. Um, I’m using I’m saying the word, um, which I hate, but I just did it and I just caught myself. So it’s going to stay, but.
Cailin
That’s fine.
Sandra
The reason why I brought that up. I was speaking to a friend of mine, the other day and they were telling me about a friend, another friend whom we’re talking about relationships. And they said that their friend, their girlfriend, asked her to help her move out of her boyfriend’s apartment. I’m like, Oh, my gosh. Oh, so sad. Oh, is everything okay? Is your friend okay? Is he okay? It’s like, Yeah, it’s just that what happened is when they move, they were moving her out, The boyfriend came home and he was caught by surprised that they were moving out. I was like, Okay, why was he so surprised? Did he not know? Um and she’s like, Well, no, he didn’t know. He thought the relationship was going okay, but it wasn’t. But that’s what I meant. He was complacent in the relationship, and he wasn’t paying attention to her needs. But then again, she was also not expressing what her needs were. So it was a mismatch kind of relationship there. And, that’s what I meant. What’s more, what’s really important? You have to have communication. You gotta talk. Sometimes talk is painful. What’s more painful is the longer you wait and not talk, that becomes more painful. and then that becomes like a wedge and then a wall. And then you get to that point where you can’t have that conversation because it’s uncomfortable. And then we build stories in our head. We all do. I build so much stories in my head. There have been many times that I had fights with your dad in my head.
Cailin
Of course. Sure, The best time for that.
Sandra
Exactly. And I’m having like this big old relationship issue and he walks by and I’m like “You’ve grrrr!” And he’s like what? Or, he has no clue what I’m talking about.
Cailin
Have you ever had one of those dreams where someone does something so bad to you? Or you just get so mad at them in your dream and you wake up, you’re still mad.
Sandra
Yes.
Cailin
You like. See that person in real life? It’s like “I can’t even look at you. I can’t believe you.” And they are, “What did I do? In my dream you’re so disrespectful, like you’re disgusting. They’re like I didn’t do anything like that wasn’t me. That happens all the time.
Sandra
Yeah, we transfer, we transfer our emotions to others and how we see others. But the important thing is like you have to be present, whether it’s a romantic relationship or it’s a platonic relationship. Um, be present. Be mindful of the other person. You know, you want this relationship to last. Be mindful, you know, get to know who that person is, what their likes are, what their dislikes are. Sometimes you just wanna be quiet, you know, and that’s fine. Or sometimes you just want to talk a lot, but and that’s fine, too. But you have to set boundaries. And you have to be mindful, you know, um, you know, especially like with this couple. He’s at that point. He was caught by surprise, and he’s like, Well, I didn’t know. I didn’t realize. I’ll be better. I’ll get better. No, you knew. You were just afraid to respect the time. You knew what you were supposed to do in the relationship. Talk to your girlfriend. You know, whether she had said something to you before or not, you knew that this relationship was ending. We all know we just choose to ignore it because it’s too painful. And with her, it was probably too painful for her to also admit that there was a problem .
Sandra
Mother-daughter relationship. This could be a sticky one. But I just have to say, since we’re sitting here together, we might as well address that issue, all right?
Cailin
It’s not an issue.
Sandra
You’re right. It’s not an issue. It’s a thing. It’s a thing, right?
Cailin
Yeah
Sandra
I think our relationship is really good. You know.
Cailin
I would second that I think!
Sandra
Yay! I was a like a little nervous there for a minute.
Cailin
Nah our relationship sucks.
Sandra
You could tell by the way, we’re, you know
Cailin
Toxic relationships. Cut them out!
Sandra
Yea, listen, even if its family, Sometimes you need to. But, um, there’re different stages to your relationship when you have a child. I think as a child is growing up. You’re not their friend. You are their disciplinarian. You are. You know, someone who’s trying to make them a good person to live within the society. So trying to be a friend to your child, I could only speak from a mother and daughter point of view, not a mother and son.
Cailin
Yeah, but only from your experience.
Sandra
Right.
Cailin
Let’s make that clear,
Sandra
Yes, my experience.
Cailin
We are only talking about our experience.
Sandra
Thank you. Thank you, sweetie, for putting that in. Yes, only for my our experience. And that’s what this podcast is about. This podcast is about our experience and how we navigate, we have and are navigating our lives. You know and we wanted to share that with you, but as far as, like, you know, getting back to the friendship Mother-daughter friendship. I felt when my daughter was younger, I had to discipline her. And if I had stepped over a certain boundary and try to be her friend, that would have been inappropriate, and she wouldn’t have respected me. I feel, and I couldn’t discipline her if I wanted to, because then she would call me on it like she’s called me on so many things and called me a hypocrite. So.
Cailin
That’s just cause I’m smart now. I was dumb as a child.
Sandra
You weren’t dumb, you were respectful. That was one thing. My number one rule with my child was that she had to be respectful. We could have our conversations, but it had to be a respectable level. No yelling at me or each other.
Cailin
and just as a comical antidote about being respectful and yelling and such. So my mom would have all these rules for me, but apparently, there were no rules the other way around, how she was like, “I demand the utmost respect. No, yelling, no disrespecting whatever.” But on the other way around, she could do whatever she wanted. But as I got older, I got wise to this and
Sandra
That’s when you would call me a hypocrite.
Cailin
Yes, no one could treat me that way when she would yell at me, I’d say, “No, I let you talk. Now it’s my turn to talk. This is a like a two-way street.”
Sandra
We wouldn’t like. I don’t think we would yell at each other.
Cailin
No, no, no, you would yell at me. I wasn’t allowed to yell at you.
Sandra
That is true
Cailin
So when you would yell at me, I’d say, uh-uh.
Sandra
Here is what I felt like, yes, give your voice to a certain point. But I was your disciplinarian. I had to teach you. I was your mirror.
Cailin
This was past that. This was beyond being a disciplinarian. Uh-uh, this was like, Well, I thought I was grinning like middle school.
Sandra
No middle school is still. No, that’s that. I know. Middle school. That was the worst
Cailin
We started learning about, like stick it to the man, like you have to take anything from anyone. That’s when all this came up.
Sandra
But then here is what happened with this, Okay? I felt no, that was borderline disrespect to me. So, yes, I was raising my voice because I was raising a child that I felt needed to be a part of the society, which is unforgiven to certain people in our society. So you wanted to be a certain person. You have to learn how to respect and have boundaries. So middle school for her, I would say, was hard because that’s when I put my foot down. Her sister was a different person, but Cailin was the, you know, very headstrong and I love that about her. She was her own person, and that’s why I didn’t want to, I discipline her. But I don’t want to stop her voice. So I said to her, you talk to me respectfully or we don’t have a conversation. And yes, I raised my voice to you because I’m Mom and I had to let you know who’s boss.
Cailin
I’m daughter.
Sandra
True, but I had to let you know who’s boss. So in different stages, there were different types of relationships that was the hardest part of our relationship. But at the end of the day, you understood why I disciplined you.
Cailin
I just I was just a young Miss Sassy Frass, who just wanted to get under people’s skin.
Sandra
And you did.
Cailin
And I oh did I. To this day I do and I love it.
Sandra
I love the fact that you are who you are now. You know, we couldn’t have sat in this room having this conversation back and forth. You know, where I know so many people where they cannot stand their parents. One of the things that my daughters have said to me in the past and now it’s like not only, “I love you, Mom,” and it feels really good and genuine, but they feel like they could talk to me. And I try not to have judgment, especially at this point in their lives, because they’re young adults and I have to respect and understand my world. How I grew up, and how I navigate my world is quite different than how they’re going up today. So I had to get them to a point where they understood that. And I hope you do and did understand that, right?
Cailin
I think I do understand that now. right?
Sandra
Right, I couldn’t like, talk to you when you were 14. 15 the way I’m talking to you now. No way. I would not because it wasn’t the place.
Cailin
I would not either.
Sandra
Right?
Cailin
Oh, no.
Sandra
Exactly. So now we’re talking to each other on a grown-up level, and we’re respecting the balance of our relationship.
Cailin
Let’s be clear, I’m still a child. I’m not old enough for adult responsibilities.
Sandra
No, You think you’re not. But you are.
Cailin
No, no, I’m child.
Sandra
No, I don’t think so. But anyway, so we’re gonna move on a little bit. We’re gonna You know what I would like to say. We’re almost ending this first podcast. I think it was fun.
Cailin
So exciting
Sandra
It’s so exciting. Um, there is so more that we want to talk to you about, but we are limited with time, so I just want to say friends don’t hijack other friend’s journey. And what I mean is that your friend has a vision. Share that vision and get excited about that vision, right? For the person. Um, I’m saying um again. I have to learn how not to do that. You have to remind me how not to do that, sweetie. Okay?
Cailin
Yeah, we all do it.
Sandra
Try to be honest, as honest as you can. And if you can’t be honest, don’t say mean things, you know? Ah, your friends would appreciate it. I know that I do. I’m growing and I’m learning. And every day I’m learning new things. And I appreciate every day when my friends tell me that I’ve done something that I’ve hurt them. Because sometimes we do say things that we think are innocent, but it cuts deep, right? And if you’re a friend, don’t tell you you won’t know. Or you start to feel that isolation. Maybe you’re the toxic friend. So you have to find out if this relationship is worth it worth holding onto, then Yes. Please do. One of the things I didn’t mention I have a friend of mine, that she did something or said something to me a while back in our relationship, I went to her and I said, Well, you know, you’ve said this and I don’t appreciate the fact that you’ve said what you’ve said. And, she totally denied it. We’re in a room with people, okay? She didn’t want to accept the fact that it was hurting her and hurting her ego that I told her that she did something to me. Instead, she turned it around and started saying. I was doing this doing that and she didn’t get it so, we were in a heated conversation, and that was sad to me because that was forcing me to end that friendship in that way. And we’ve known each other for such a long time since I was 15, 16 years old. That’s a long time. I’m not gonna tell you how old I am. But it it’s a long time. We’re grown, have grown kids. And it’s a long time and to lose that type of person who knows you inside and out. That’s hard. So it took me a while, and I’m gonna use this term “mourn my friend.” I had to mourn my friend, talk about it more and make that decision, that it’s time to move on. She’s moved on and even if she hasn’t, you know. Hey, I’m here to, for her to listen. But I felt she did wrong to me. So, and I’ve tried to make amends and make peace with that, but she did not. And she didn’t feel that she has so I’m moving on. You know when that’s okay. So I want you to feel that that it’s okay to move on. It’s not easy and comfortable, but sometimes it’s necessary. RIght? Do you agree?
Cailin
I agree. Yes, yes, I agree wholeheartedly. And I’m like, what, in my example of my friend earlier, like if after you guys spent some time apart, then if you like, if you really miss each other and you’re willing to work through your problems, you’ll come back together. And I think that’ll really, I guess, show who your true friends are. I hate to say it. That’s not to discount friends who can’t get or who can’t move past a certain instance or whatnot, but, but those friendships were meant to be those that you come back to you.
Cailin
Well, let me ask you a question, Cailin. What is the biggest challenge you’ve overcome or had to deal with in a friendship If you care to discuss that, huh?
Cailin
I don’t know. That’s such a tough question to answer. I guess it’s just dealing with, huh? Dealing, I think. Well, I just have a lot of self-growth. So I think a lot of my issues within my friendships have been from me. And …
Sandra
In what way? What you mean from you?
Cailin
Well,
Sandra
Trust?
Cailin
No, No. I’m fine with trust? No, I’m fine with trust.
Sandra
No, not you. Not them trusting you, You trusting others.
Cailin
I trust others enough. I am a very social person. And I really liked to, you know, make friends with new people, experience new things. And so sometimes when I’m not doing that every day, then I feel like there’s a problem even when there absolutely is not an issue where my friends are still as wonderful as they’ve ever been. But I like for some reason I like I feel like I need to, like, make new friends all the time and when I’m not like something’s wrong. So that’s the issues of my friends in my relationships, then come from me of being distant because I’m worried that I’m getting too comfortable with my friends. And I like my friends too much that I feel like I have to like. I feel like I have to explore.
Sandra
That’s, That’s the beauty of being friends. I think that’s wonderful, because that’s what friendships are in general. It’s like you’re you get comfortable with the person.
Cailin
No. Yeah. No, I’m not saying I’m not saying no. I love being comfortable with people, and I’m not saying, like, literal comfort.
Sandra
Uh-huh
Sandra
It’s an emotional comfort.
Cailin
No, no, no. I’m saying, like I’m getting too comfortable being in one spot with one person.
Sandra
Ok. All right. You gotta work on that. Because that to me, sounds like therapy
Cailin
Just because I just like being with a lot of people and being with tons of people. So, like I already said that, But when? So when I’m like, with a small group of people for an extended period of time, no matter how much I love them, like, oh, I should go find your friends.
Sandra
So then this judgment you’re feeling you think that they’re gonna judge you.
Cailin
No. Wait, What? Where is this coming from? No, no, I just I think it comes from just me having I just have a lot of this is gonna sound a little bit obnoxious, and I understand that. But I have. I tend to have a lot of friends, and my friends don’t always overlap because I like being friends with many different people. This is great, which is good. But so throughout high school, especially it was hard because I, um, would have these friends and completely, And this has followed me to college. But I’ve had friends in completely different friend group circles, for lack of a better term. I don’t really know how to call it.
Sandra
It’s healthy, though. It’s very healthy.
Cailin
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It’s healthy to an extent, because I would be friends with entire friend groups and then those friend groups would get really close. But because I was rotating like I would, I didn’t have a set schedule. It wouldn’t be like on Monday. I’m sitting with these people, Tuesday…like it wasn’t like that, but I’d only have time like to spend like time with these groups of people like once a week, per se, because, like, I would then have to maintain my friendships and other groups so then that would. So that’s kind of been, like, instilled in me just because of what I’m used to. So when I’m not doing that, I feel like worried that I’m losing friends. And so I need to go out and make more friends so that I’m still spending time with a bunch of different people. So it’s just it’s just how I’ve, not grown up. But my experience, that’s kind of made me that way.
Sandra
I get it, I get it. And this is why…
Cailin
I dont’ think that made any sense whatsoever.
Sandra
Well this is why another one of our podcasts. I’m going to talk about the caring in keeping of you. Not necessarily you, Cailin, but the caring and keeping of you individually yourself. The caring and keeping of you is important. And what that is is your mental state. Um, not feeling that you have to always be on point. Not always have to have so many people around you. Sometimes you need to take that minute. But that’s another podcast. And we’ll get a little deeper into that podcast because you’re doing exactly that that we’re talking about. Um, but narrowing it back down into the friendships. Being a friend doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to be there 24/7 you know, and I get what you’re saying, but it means that, at least from me, from my point of view, is getting to know the habits of somebody else their likes and dislikes. All right, guys. So we’re going to wrap this up. It was wonderful talking to you all. I just want to say if there was anything that you want to talk about, please give us a shout out and we’ll be able to talk. Just write, write us. Let us know what you’d like to talk about. Wanna hear from you, and we’ll discuss all that. All right. So, again, my name is Sandra coming to you from Sister Girlfriend. And we have our guest host here,
Cailin
Cailin, and it was nice to talk to all of you guys.
Sandra
Excellent. All right, so we just want to leave you with a little take away. And my little takeaway is we need relationships to balance us as humans. We’re social creatures. And it’s really important. It’s a lonely space within ourselves. So reach out, talk to others. Take a minute. Every day we wake up is a new day to reinvent ourselves and make our days right from yesterday Don’t think about the past. Move forward. Forget about yesterday. Today’s a new journey. If you wake up today there is a purpose for your life. You’re important. You’re special. Live with passion. Live with purpose.
Cailin
Yeah. What she said.
Sandra
Bye bye for now.
Cailin
Bye.